Monday, January 21, 2008

Kerana tidak pernah mengecewakan...

I do not know where to start...
I feel down...very frustrated with myself..
Malu?..sangat malu..
Kesal?..sangat kesal..
Nak salahkan org lain...
Yup..kalau boleh memang nak salahkan org lain..
Tapi diri sendiri yang membenarkan, mengizinkan semua ini berlaku..
B4 this, i have a high, very high self-esteem..very confident when talking or presenting or teaching..
Tak kesah la broken English or what..the most important...isinya sampai..dan difahami, jelas dan meyakinkan...
Apa yang jadi now, opposite what suppose it should be..
sepatutnya, dah hampir 3 tahun keja as a lecturer in medical uni some more...sepatutnya jadi lebih bagus..lebih berkeyakinan..lebih marketable..
ape yg jadi??? malunye rase macam nak nyorok bawah meja..or rase macam nak berenti keje!!
Kenapa jadi macam ni...mula la nak salahkan environment..agaknya sebb terlalu banyak dihentam..harus hidup as perfect as i could...must perform mcm professor yang dah kerja berzaman..hidup jadi ketakutan..takut buat salah...takut salah cakap..rasa inferior..rasa tak pandai walau pon that is my kepakaran...rasa not competent..kesemua perasaan ini yang tak pernah wujud dalam hidup sejak di sekolah rendah...sekarang ni makin subur..
dah lama i noticed, my motivation dah makin kurang, my self-esteem dah makin kabur, PR dah makin berterabur...rasa macam nak jumpa psikiatris...
the worst thing that i've done...I presented a research proposal at Institut Jantung Negara last monday...sampai kat sana aroud 9 am..kat bilik meeting cardiologist penuh dengan pakar2 jantung IJN..dengan white coat and stetoscope..nampak they are all bz with their work but still have time to hear our research proposal..I feel honoured..very honoured.
OK je mase tu..tapi bila one of prof dtg...hati dah start gelisah..
Tau ape jadi???
That is the worst presentation yg i dah buat..cakap tersasul2...kenape ni...berkali2 cakap pada diri sendiri..wahida come on...ape yg takut sngat..this is not u!!
sampai je time cardiologist tanya soalan...there were a lot yg i tak tau...tak tau..tak tau dan tak tau!! Ya Allah..bukan aku tak tau tapi otak ni macam dah programmed ape yg ko cakap tu salah..jgn jawab...jgn pikir...without trying to think harder, i just simply answered..i'm sorry it shows my ignorance..at one time...i answered..i'm not sure, i think cardiologist know better than me. I feel like a primary school student. Takde rase macam nak pikir pon..yg ada dalam hati malas nak pikir...
Balik tu lama dok kat toilet..pikir balik...kenapa ni..kenapa jd mcm ni.
Now, i've got the answer. I hilang interest nak kerja...apa yg di arahkan i just do just to please them..not for the sake of my future...buat sekadar siap..preparation taknak buat..bila org tanya malas nak pikir jawapan..sampai macam tu sekali...
now sape yg rugi..sape yg malu??..tapi alhamdulillah..Allah sentiasa bersama..HOD of cardiologist was interested with this study..he offer me his service..thanks..thanks so much..

People out there please help me to regain my self-confidence, my PR, my motivation...
No wonder, kenapa org kate jgn selalu marah anak, jgn selalu kata 'do not' pada anak, jgn tolak pandangan anak...kalau kita buat perkara2 macm tu, anak yg terbentuk adalah dr kalangan yg pendiam, pendendam, tiada keyakinan diri, penakut..

Kerana selama ni hidup tidak pernah dan tidak suka mengecewakan dan dikecewakan, impactnya begitu besar..kerana kegagalan sekali tu rase mcm dah d end segala nya...

3 comments:

dLyn aZmi said...

dear my lovely cousin.. things happened.. mcm aku ni ha... bley kate english bukan mslh.. aku besa speaking.. kat fak org kate english aku cair..known with my american accent... smpi sini ape jd? dpn mat2 salleh ni aku stumbled.. words simple aku lupe.. kdg2 aku x bley nak communicate smpi aku jd senyap kdg2 kat lab.. alhamdulillah skang dah ok sket nak converse tp still have prob with my sv n co-sv..xtau nape smpi la ni susah utk aku converse ngan diorg... rasenye otak ni dah set yg diorg tu omputih.. aku x reti nak ckp ngan diorg bla bla bla... argh! kdg2 tensen giler..

anyway wahidah.. aku rindu giler ngan ko!

Niz said...

kak ida, take a pill and chill. dont be sad and all cried out. life is beautiful and lots of happening things might be happen. who knows next time you can perform the bestest presentation ever!

suhana said...

wahidah..aku kat sini lagi teruk. japanese langsung tak nak cakap ngan aku sbb aku x pandai nihongo. aku ckp omputih pon ditibainya ckp nihongo ngan aku. sakit jiwa aku..anyway, aku kenal ko sbg srg yg konfiden, presentation slalu bagus but mcm lin ckp, kdg tu maybe things happened atau mungkin masa tu Tuhan nk turunkan dugaan kat ko. nevertheless, something good turned out..ada pakar yg interested ngan ur research proposal. i agree jugk bila ko ckp psl psediaan tu. from my experience, if less preparation, more nervous jdnya. just take it as a lesson to be learned. i think u did well. i am sure of it..by the way, its not d end of the world..gambatte ne!